Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Coulda, shoulda, woulda

Hey guys-sorry, I know it's been awhile since I have written anything. It's just been kinda crazy for me!! :) I am working as a temp right now at Network 180, so between that and trying to spend time with Avi my sweetie, it's been a busy couple days. While it has been crazy, it's been great. I have a wonderful man who loves me. I am VERY proud of him-he starts Football Frenzy this week, and he graduates in December from GVSU!! He's been AMAZING through all that's been happening lately! I am very grateful to have him with me.

It's kind of hard to describe how I am feeling these days. Mostly, I am pretty happy. I am working, I have great friends, a great family, a great boyfriend....but there's a sadness too. I can't really describe it. It's a sadness that just kind of comes over me at the oddest times. It's a sadness for what my family was. It's a sadness for what my family could've been. As my Mom said, it's like a death. I am grieving the loss of my family. Or, rather, what my family was and could have-should have-been. I SHOULD have had a Dad to walk me down the aisle. My nieces and nephews SHOULD have their Grandpa. Andrew (my brand new nephew), SHOULD be able to know his Grandpa. My Mother SHOULD have her husband, the man she was going to grow old with. Instead, she is sad, and there's nothing I can do for her right now. I try to help as much as I can, but sometimes I feel it isn't enough.

In the midst of all this, I am trying to achieve life goals. Get a license and car. Get a good job that I love. While this hasn't exactly worked the way that I wanted it to, I know it will happen eventually. I just wish it was NOW sometimes!!!

Anyway-that's my life right now...and despite it all, I wouldn't change it for anything....

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